Your Elderly Loved One Just Received A Challenging Diagnosis, First Steps To Take
Have you experienced this scenario? Your elderly loved one just received a challenging diagnosis. In an instant, your stomach churns and you feel the beginnings of an emotional roller coaster. It appears that you and your loved one will need some help navigating the next steps. Where do you start?
Show your loved one that they are cared for
Listen to your loved one. Active listening conveys love in a big way. It tells your loved one that you care, and value them. Express compassion. Think of how you’d feel if you were in their shoes.
Some silence or crying is normal and helpful. Showing support is a precious gift.
When the time presents itself, encourage. Generations of families have found solace in the Psalms. Scores of people have been reminded of God’s unchanging character in all times, especially challenging ones. I love the book entitled A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by W. Phillip Keller. As of 2007 over 2 million copies have been sold. One quote from Keller’s book may bring comfort to you and your loved one: “It is the special office work of God’s gracious Spirit to convey this sense of the Christ to our fearful hearts. He comes quietly to reassure us that Christ Himself is aware of our dilemma and deeply involved in it with us. And it is in fact in this assurance that we rest and relax.”¹ There’s an excellent video and its transcript presented by Tim Keeter a certified counselor with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors² who received an undesirable diagnosis. It is found on biblicalcounseling.com and is listed in the resource list and the footnotes below.
Be aware of your needs
As time allows, you’ll need to take a breather. You need a 30,000-foot view.
If you can, try to find quiet time alone to sort your thoughts. Write some notes. Where are we now? Write down your challenges and needs, goals, and list resources. It clears your head to jot down what you and your loved one are facing and the next steps. Need help with the format of your personal action plan? Canva³ offers a free trial where you might find helpful templates. You could also purchase templates on the online store Etsy. In the search bar type in action plan templates4.
Walking in nature for an extended time will rejuvenate you.
Get adequate rest. It’s so helpful to calm frayed nerves. Be sure to follow good nutrition.
If you’re working and your company has an Employee Assistance Program, please check to see if there may be free counseling available. This could be accessed via telephone or virtual meeting and typically have short wait times.
Journaling helps you cope. It helps you put into words your thoughts and concerns. It brings clarity. It can bolster your confidence and resolve to do all you can to help your elderly loved one.
Recognize that you may reach out to your network of friends and family for help. The platform Give InKind®5 makes reaching out easier. Think of your basic needs. Your world has been turned upside down. Home-cooked dinners brought to your home for a week or two could dramatically help. On this platform, you could gently make needs known: driving your elderly loved one to pick up medication, sitting with them through a treatment medical appointment, and checking in with them during the day while you are away from home at work. The wonderful thing is that your network of friends and family can select ways that they can help. If you’re part of a faith community, allow their leaders to know about the challenges your family is facing. Spiritual support can be offered including life management help.
More help if you’re working
Talk to your boss, and communicate the challenges you are now experiencing. Your boss might be able to adjust your work responsibilities and arrange for your work hours to be covered by others. Need time off work? According to the California Employment Development Department website6, “Paid Family Leave (PFL) provides working California up to eight weeks of partial pay to take time off work to care for a seriously ill family member, [bond with a new child, or participate in a qualifying military event.]” If you’re covered, this is funded by mandatory payroll deductions from your payroll and millions of other eligible Californians. You can start the application process by applying online, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week or you can apply by US postal mail. Information from the Employment Development Department online information entitled Paid Family Leave Benefits and Payments FAQs, information7 can be found with a clickable link listed in the footnotes section.
Researching the diagnosis
Be an advocate for your loved one. Where to find good information? Use government sources of information. You can also refer to higher education websites. Select information from prominent health facilities. Peer-reviewed articles offer credible information. Ask yourself, “What bias do they write from?” Search out the About Us section or Bio section of the article to learn more about their viewpoints. Are the credentials of the author in the same field they are writing about, and were their degree(s) from accredited institutions of higher education? Does the article's author stand to benefit from you buying their product such as a monetized incentive? If you read forums, take the author’s advice with a grain of salt.
There are nationally vetted charitable organizations for families of the diagnosis such as: the American Cancer Society, American Lung Association, CancerCare. You can comprehend risk factors, treatment options, and breakthrough medical trials.
Follow-up appointments
Schedule a follow-up medical appointment ASAP, preferably in the exam room or at least before you leave the doctor’s office. If a follow-up appointment has not been scheduled, do so ASAP.
The appointment calendars of medical offices fill up. As best you can, please help your elderly loved ones go to those follow-up appointments. The medical professionals must gather subjective and objective data from your elderly loved one. The medical team can use this data and collaborate to provide your loved one with the best care. There might be reasons for not making an appointment or being a no-show:
Feeling overwhelmed
Not being organized Feeling defeated
Fear
Fear and the feeling of being overwhelmed can cause inactivity. It can cause indecision. You and your elderly loved one will need to face these fears with a determination to do what is best. Get the follow-up appointment on your calendar, and review your calendar regularly. Set other fail-safe procedures in place so that you and your elderly loved one don’t miss follow-up appointments.
If needed, get a second opinion
Why might you need a second opinion? The reasons vary:
The proposed treatment is risky
You and your elderly loved one want more information
Rare cancer
Another doctor may have more expertise
In their book entitled The Caregiver’s Toolbox, authors Carolyn P. Hartley, MLA and Peter Wong identify “what to expect from a second opinion: In seeking a second opinion, most likely you seek guideance to achieve any of the following:
Confirm the diagnosis
Evaluate the prescribed treatment plan, surgery, or procedure
Consider an alternative treatment plan
Evaluate whether the lab results have changed or been misread”8
When not to get a second opinion
If you need emergency treatment and researching a second opinion will take too much vital time and endanger your loved one
How do you ask for a second opinion?
In three words, use gentle assertiveness.
Ask the doctor for a professional referral
You can clearly state that your goal is:
Clarity, options available for treatment include a time frame and more detailed questions answered
Here's your rationale
Doctors see a multitude of patients.
Second opinions are standard procedure
Some health insurance plans may cover second opinions, be sure to check if they do
They shouldn’t take offense
You owe it to your elder loved one
How to prepare for your loved one’s second opinion:
Have your loved one’s doctor forward all your medical records including medications prescribed, test results, and proposed treatment plan to the doctor’s office where they will be receiving a second opinion, a reasonable time before the appointment.
Be aware of your out-of-pocket costs before making an appointment for and committing to a second opinion.
Pay for help at home
There comes a point in the journey of your elderly loved one learning of a very challenging diagnosis that you realize that you will need to pay for help at home. For starters, jot down on paper the primary household tasks. This will help you when you begin vetting and selecting a housecleaner.
Mow and blow type landscaping help can likewise ease the load of household responsibilities.
Consider groceries delivered. Search the internet for local grocery delivery apps and locations that service them. The City of Paso Robles has a website that advertises nutrition services for seniors, as follows:
“Nutrition Services
A hot lunch is served daily at 11:30 am, provided by Meals That Connect. The suggested donation is $3.00 per meal. Menus are available at the Senior Center and home delivery is also available. Two day advance reservation is required. For reservations call Marlene at 805-238-4831.” 9
Hire caregiving help.
You’ll enjoy a bit of a respite to recharge your physical, emotional, and mental resources.
How our agency can help:
We provide the needed assistance with companionship, light housekeeping, and personal care. This gives you peace of mind. A layer of responsibility would now be taken care of. You’ll be able to attend to the details of medical appointment scheduling, completing insurance paperwork, and taking care of yourself.
Conclusion:
A challenging diagnosis your elderly loved one faces can be one of the most difficult experiences your family faces. Coping resources can help. I’ve outlined a few of these. Your input will dramatically help. Which steps will you take to help your elderly loved one navigate this journey of their challenging diagnosis?
Resource List
https://gatewaycr.org/about/in-the-news/the-dangers-of-googling-your-cancer-diagnosis/
https://archive.nytimes.com/well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/11/13/when-patients-dont-follow-up/
The views and opinions expressed on this website are purely those of the authors and are solely for educational purposes only. It is not intended to take the place of medical advice. Please consult your medical professional or healthcare provider for any medical advice.
Footnotes
¹Keller, W. Phillip (1970, 2007) A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23. Zondervan. p. 45
²Keeter, Tim (6-3-20) Finding Hope in an Unwanted Diagnosis. Retrieved (4-20-24) from: https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-library/conference-messages/finding-hope-in-an-unwanted-diagnosis/
³Canva website. Retrieved (4-20-24) from: https://www.canva.com/pricing/
4Etsy website. Retrieved (4-20-24) from: https://www.etsy.com/search?q=action%20plan%20template&ref=search_bar
5Give InKind website. Retrieved (4-20-24) from: https://www.giveinkind.com/
6State of California Employment Development Department website. Retrieved (4-22-24) from:
7ibid.,
8Hartley, Carolyn P., MLA, and Peter Wong. (2015) The Caregiver’s Tookbox: Checklists, Forms, Resources, Mobile Apps, and Straight Talk to Help You Provide Compassionate Care. Taylor Trade Publishing. pgs. 17, 18
9The City of Paso Robles website, Senior Services Nutrition section. Retrieved (4-22-24) from:
